Turkeys Before Jerkies™


Indeed, that is a lit turkey in front of my house. I’m certain I am the only person that celebrates gratitude before a hypothetical (yes…..HYPOTHETICAL unless you can locate the exact date of birth in the Bible, and I will retract) and over-commercialized birthday.

There is no definitive proof that Jesus was born on December 25. When you are in a sudden rush for all things Christmas, you are essentially celebrating…….nothing.

The rush to Christmas is unhealthy. It bypasses the appreciation of the little things, so the focus remains on material crap. Yes, count me in as an honorary member of the BAH HUMBUG Club. I will forever advocate Turkeys Before Jerkies™.

Jerkies: the ones who follow along popular opinion when it comes to Christmas, and put up Christmas décor a day after Halloween. The ones who praise Christmas music and decor BEFORE Thanksgiving. The retail chains who lure its consumers with holiday elements, so they can finish strong at the end of their fiscal year. The ones who open their stores at fucking 2pm ON THANKSGIVING because it’s all about MONEY. Of late, the absolute worst offender is Treetime, who starts their advertising for overpriced evergreens as early as September.

(SHAME ON YOU, Treetime. I will never, EVER shop at your store, nor will I refer anyone. Your brainwashing tactics will not work on those who hold Thanksgiving AND Christmas near and dear to their hearts.)

The ugly reality is that your beloved family members will not be present every holiday. There will come a time when you have a strong desire just to hear their voice, and that voice won’t be there. Their laugh, their smile, their jokes. Gone. And they can be gone in an instant. Do NOT sit there and roll your eyes over what I just typed. You do not know what the future holds. You are NOT powerful and all knowing. You don’t know. Don’t take your family for granted. Retail chains have a hard time understanding this. Or they refuse, because money first. Fuck you retail stores. I hope you ALL go out of business.

With cachinnatory cackling and a superfluity of starches at the family gathering, just remember that it is possible that some don’t have that luxury for whatever reason (homeless, orphaned, disabled, etc.) The small things taken for granted can be gigantic for someone else.

I also notice a mass of folks rushing to hate. They tend to focus on the specific event that White Man stole the land from the Indians. Well fuck, that is downright shady. However, I don’t think it’s fair to impugn the intricate and sentimental meanings of what the holiday should dictate: gratitude. I cannot help what transpired what the Pilgrims did or didn’t do, but I do have the ability to forgive and look onward for a better, more unified future.

Cheers to you. Cheers to your family. It is, after all, what Thanksgiving is all about. Don’t take them for granted.


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